We are force fed an image of beauty, one that includes an underweight model that is "heroine chic." While super skinny is beautiful, overweight is funny, lazy or low class. There is a stigma that surrounds the overweight that is blatantly unfair. I found myself caught up in it, thinking less of myself because I was overweight. My weight made me ashamed of my body. I felt shame and embarrassment almost everywhere that I went and at times it felt so bad that I literally wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I don't know that if everyone that is overweight feels the same way that I did, and sometimes still do. I wish I could say that I was a confident woman that had been able to embrace my "curves," but I wasn't. My husbands constant reassurances that I as beautiful did not fix the turmoil that was going on inside of me.
Something as simple as ordering food was agonizing because I was afraid that the waitress was secretly judging my selection. Sure I ate out and I had more than my fair share of greasy fried goodness, but I always had this perception that everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. As a rational person I know this isn't true, I know that people were there enjoying their meals and completely oblivious to the silent battle I was having with the menu in the booth next to them. During the summer we went to Great America and the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, I decided to ride a roller coaster. Talk about a sad and depressing reality check. Now, I wasn't so big that I couldn't ride but the lap bars were very tight across my midsection making what was supposed to be a fun experience was instead embarrassing and uncomfortable. To add to my discomfort, my large hips were making it difficult to properly sit down in the cart. As the attendant passed by checking all the safety restraints I was so nervous and embarrassed and it seemed like her gaze lingered on my belly and lap bar. I wanted to cry, but instead I smiled.
As a woman, of course I like to shop, try on and buy new clothes but I found that I didn't enjoy it too much as a Gordita. I would much rather just order online and get it over with than have to face a clerk in a store. I had ordered a ton of new clothes from one of my favorite stores online and they all fit well, I didn't have to send back a single item. I had also ordered a few things from specialty shops that did not fit like I had hoped. Although I ordered what I thought should fit the XL was still tight, I would stretch the shirt out before putting it on so that it would hug my body so closely. I felt like a busted can of biscuits and Baby Huey all rolled into one. Today all those new clothes are in a pile to go to a thrift store because they are too big. I look forward to trying on new clothes, even if I don't actually buy any.
In order to start participating in group fitness classes I really had to step out of my comfort zone. Again I was worried that everyone would be staring at the Gordita in the class, instead of concentrating on their own workouts. I remember really specifically one lady coming up to me after the completion of one of my classes and congratulating me on finishing the Zumba class in my delicate condition. Apparently the woman thought I was pregnant. OUCH!!! Oh yeah, that stung. It was almost enough to discourage me from going back, but then I thought about it: even though I was big and looked pregnant, I was still in the class and doing way better than everyone that was sitting at home watching TV.
I know that it seems pretty self absorbed to believe that everyone is taking time out of their day to judge you and look at you like you are a side show freak but in my opinion we as a society are overly critical of the overweight. Let me rephrase that, as a society we are quick to judge everyone based on their appearance. As my body image evolves and starts becoming more positive I find that I am less judgemental than I once was, which is an interesting side effect to this whole journey.
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